yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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