Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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