The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
