I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
