i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
this boner is exhausting
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
