You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
