My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
