i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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