Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
