I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
