Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
