Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
