im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
