I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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