the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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