that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
