Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Randomize
