a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
