after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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