I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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