Im at strip club and am horny
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
