i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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