I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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