All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
