based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
