someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize