Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
