Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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