What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
