Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
