this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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