If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
