I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize