PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
wow bdsm is so cute
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
