I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize