rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
