I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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