I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize