I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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