please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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