You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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