I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
