My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
