Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
