my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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