my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize