I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
