i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
