Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
