Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
did i just pee glitter
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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