I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
