So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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