In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
