Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He passed out mid-signature
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
