the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
