How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
