I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
