I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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