There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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