grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
