Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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